Just So Tired

That "Im just so tired" feeling. That feeling that your soul is being drained faster than you can fill it. Your overwhelming emotions are taking you for a ride. Your stress inhibitors just can't take it anymore. Work, job interviews, customers, roommates, money, therapy, medication, family struggles, world problems on every news outlet. These things take their tole, and it quickly becomes huge. Some people have the ability to take on a bigger stress load. They don't crack under pressure. They take it by the balls and get it done, and at the end of the day, they unwind, destress, and wake up in the morning ready to do it again. 
I have never been this way. Since childhood, I was always overwhelmed with even the smallest things. Someone would scold me and I would cry for an hour. Homework would pile up and I would give up. Something would get hard and I would throw in the towel. Everyday was a pool of anxiety, stomach knots and lumps in my throat. Everyday at school I would have multiple panic attacks, have to call my mom at least 5 times, and usually go home early. My first day of Kindergarten was when I first experienced a panic attack. I cried the entire day with a whole tissue box to myself. My mom had to come to class with me. Unfortunately diagnosing a mental illness in a child is extremely difficult and in those days simply not done. I thought that the pain and agony I was going through was normal. I wondered why other kids could feel this too and yet they stayed at school and made friends. Little did I know most of those kids didn't have those feelings. They wanted to be there. Little things didn't phase them. Simple things didn't unroot them. 
I look at myself then, and it all makes sense. The anxiety, the panic attacks, the constant feeling of doom and despair, the need to cling to my mom every single hour of every single day for all the years of my life. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I would get angry within an instant. Everyone wondered why I was the way I was. We had no answers until I turned 18. 
Now I know what was "wrong" with me. Ive been to hell and back. Ive dealt with an immense amount of emotion, and the reasons why I am the way I am. I know the tricks, I have the tools, and I've read the book numerous times over. But it still gets to me. A bad day at work is like a bad year at work. An insult from someone unkind eats away at me and makes me second guess myself and my entire life. Applying for jobs and going on even one interview sets me over the edge, leaving me bawling my eyes out on the drive home, even if it went well. Its hard to explain, the amount of emotion that gets stirred up from just the simplest things. You can say something to me in the wrong tone and I immediately take it to heart and turn on the defense. Im a ball of emotion. I feel more than most people feel. I cry more than most cry. I get angry at the smallest of things. 
All of these traits stop me from doing things, stop me from experiencing life. I shield myself and my emotions, letting very little people in, doing very little activities. I'm afraid to get out of bed in the morning. Im afraid of love, because I know it would emotionally destroy me and possibly land me back in the hospital. Many people with mental illness go through a break up and snap, and have to be hospitalized. That unfortunately would be me. I want to experience all of these things, see all of these places, feel all of these feelings, but I feel as if I can't. Not without an overload. Not without a breakdown. Not without once again burdening my family with the many problems of me. I want to study so many things, but have a learning disability and can't keep up with the pace of school.I have to try extra hard at anything in order to barely make it by. I have to try extra hard at work to be acceptable to customers and barely have my boss say that I am moderately meeting standard. Nothing has ever come easy. I have always had to try 1000% in order to maybe reach only 95. I want to be all of these things. I want to do all of these things. But tell me, is it worth it?