Inhuman

On any given day I try my best to have somewhat of a normal human emotion pattern. To feel sad when I should feel so. To feel happy when you would think it would be called for. However my efforts more often than not are for nothing and fail majority of the time. Happiness is few and far between, and just when I think I'm happy and have it right, my mood drastically changes within seconds and whatever it was that I thought I had is swept away with whatever emotion my mind decides on next. To be so heavily medicated is confusing to say the least. You don't know whats working, when its working, or if its even working at all. I want to be responsible and take all of my medications prescribed, which in fact I do. But I constantly wonder, do I really need to be on all of these prescriptions, and if I don't, how on earth am I going to find the time and courage to ease off of some of them? Which ones should I get rid of? Where is it going to take me? It doesn't help that I lost my insurance that covered going to the best psychiatrist I have ever had, and am now having to go to my old one who verbally said to me that he was not comfortable treating me, due to my overall nature with medication and history of hospitalizations. In a perfect world I would maybe need two of these medications at most. I know not to wish for no medication because what I have is irreversible and has always been a part of me. To think that would be a cause for more emotional pain because it is impossible and I am smart enough I will never allow the thought to even cross my mind. I try to damnedest to keep moving forward, with my head held high and the false appearance of bravery and hope. Once upon a time I had hope. But as the years pass, the less hope I seem to possess. The deeper I get into this journey, the more it beats me down and violates my humanity. Stripping me of all dignity and essentially "putting me in my place". Insanity sets in, and while I know its not truly me, I doubt myself and think "maybe it is". The mind is a very powerful thing, and when it is highjacked by a chemical reaction, it is next to impossible to come out of. I always loved the saying "It is not mind over matter when it is my mind that is the matter". And yet I still fight. It may not look like it to others, but I am fighting every waking moment of every single day that I am alive. To simply exist is a battle. To socialize, to smile, to get out of bed and change my clothes, to take a shower regularly, to force myself to care enough to be a functioning human of society. To try in one persons eyes is different from another. And judgment is not something I have ever been able to brush off. It doesn't matter who, whenever a judgement is placed on me I deeply internalize it and let it eat away at me. It becomes something that I am doing terribly wrong if someone has the audacity to give their opinion. I don't take opinions well. I do know better. Deep down I know that people will have their opinions and will only understand certain things from which their perception derives. I know the science of it, but it still doesn't stop me from taking it to heart and reevaluating what I am doing with myself and my situation. God knows I don't want to be this way. Who would ever truly want to be this way? Sometimes people think that I truly do want this. That I am happy to be a "mental patient" and lab rat for the big Pharma. Despite what all of you say. I want none of this. I don't want to swallow one single pill. I want to be able to get out of bed in the morning. I want to be able to remember what I ate for breakfast, and if I even did in fact in breakfast. I want to laugh when others laugh, not have to go into the bathroom on a regular basis and cry for no reason. I want to be able to date and have friend without being terrified, uncertain and completely uncertain of  "what they will think of me once they know". I know there will be good people who will see past all of this, but then again I know that there are those who will certainly not. And I try not to let those people get to me before they even get to me. 
In a perfect world... 
I am Laney, and nothing less. I am happy, I am sad, I am everything in between, I only need two medications to keep my emotions at bay. I socialize with confidence and without fear. My medications don't effect my attraction to men and I actually have to desire to date. There is that "special someone" and I aim to find him. I have a quality group of friends who I can count on, but at the same time they can also count on me. My parents don't have to worry about me and ask me if "I am safe". I don't have to pay hundreds of dollars a month on medications to barely keep my head above water. I don't need to rely so heavily on health insurance and can work wherever I want. In a perfect world, I would have been somewhere very different from where I am now. I would simply just be me. No strings attached, no fear, and no uncertainty as to what the next 10 minutes will bring.