The Xfiles : Call Me Crazy

 Somewhere out there, there is a truth bigger than us all. One that we as human beings cannot possibly fathom. I don't think any of us know what this truth is, or how it came to be. I think thats the beauty of it. Once something is discovered, its innocence is taken. Its beauty fades. Think about it, we all believe in something bigger than ourselves. Perhaps that of a higher power, in whatever shape or form it may take. We are all down here on earth, living our lives, both happy and sad. Some of us think we know the answers, some of us are completely lost. Others may be blind to truth that is standing right in front of them. And maybe theres a reason for that. Maybe they're not supposed to see it. Maybe we are all not supposed to see it. And that brings me to the part where I may be judged. I may be questioned of my sanity, and questioned on the topic of how a TV show changed my outlook on life. Some years ago, I discovered The Xfiles. Thats right. Scully, Mulder, David and Gillian. I was completely enamored. It was never just a TV show to me. It was life. It is life. It was my admiration for two wonderful characters, and two amazing actors. I devoured it. Its twists and turns, its answers and its questions. Besides igniting a childlike fire in me, The Xfiles started to teach me something, and began to give me a hope I had never felt before. Since my illness emerged, I lost my ability to believe. What did I believe? In God? Evolution? The devil for giving me what he did? Or just in the simple fact that I was the offspring of a scientific and genetic disorder, passed down to me by my biological father. I guess I still really don't know. But the very idea that I don't know, maybe thats okay. Maybe I am okay knowing that there is a bigger truth out there that I may never find. The cure for my illness that I may never experience. The reason of why I was given this disease. Maybe I simply don't want to believe in anything anymore. Perhaps we must accept the unknown and appreciate it for what it is. To me, The Xfiles convey that. It conveys the idea of whenever you may think you have figured something out, life takes another turn and knocks you back on your feet. Now call me crazy, but this TV show has helped me to see that. That we are all just waiting for answers, and something bigger than ourselves. But at the same time, while we reside here and do that, we confide in the fact that we will probably never know, and thats okay. Its okay to not know. Its okay that life will take us for just one more ride that we never planned on. Its okay to go through these life experiences, thinking that we know but really we know nothing at all. Because maybe one day, when we have gone through our lives, after all of the searching, and we have reached the end of our days, just maybe, the truth will be revealed to us. Because my friends, it is out there.  

Just So Tired

That "Im just so tired" feeling. That feeling that your soul is being drained faster than you can fill it. Your overwhelming emotions are taking you for a ride. Your stress inhibitors just can't take it anymore. Work, job interviews, customers, roommates, money, therapy, medication, family struggles, world problems on every news outlet. These things take their tole, and it quickly becomes huge. Some people have the ability to take on a bigger stress load. They don't crack under pressure. They take it by the balls and get it done, and at the end of the day, they unwind, destress, and wake up in the morning ready to do it again. 
I have never been this way. Since childhood, I was always overwhelmed with even the smallest things. Someone would scold me and I would cry for an hour. Homework would pile up and I would give up. Something would get hard and I would throw in the towel. Everyday was a pool of anxiety, stomach knots and lumps in my throat. Everyday at school I would have multiple panic attacks, have to call my mom at least 5 times, and usually go home early. My first day of Kindergarten was when I first experienced a panic attack. I cried the entire day with a whole tissue box to myself. My mom had to come to class with me. Unfortunately diagnosing a mental illness in a child is extremely difficult and in those days simply not done. I thought that the pain and agony I was going through was normal. I wondered why other kids could feel this too and yet they stayed at school and made friends. Little did I know most of those kids didn't have those feelings. They wanted to be there. Little things didn't phase them. Simple things didn't unroot them. 
I look at myself then, and it all makes sense. The anxiety, the panic attacks, the constant feeling of doom and despair, the need to cling to my mom every single hour of every single day for all the years of my life. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I would get angry within an instant. Everyone wondered why I was the way I was. We had no answers until I turned 18. 
Now I know what was "wrong" with me. Ive been to hell and back. Ive dealt with an immense amount of emotion, and the reasons why I am the way I am. I know the tricks, I have the tools, and I've read the book numerous times over. But it still gets to me. A bad day at work is like a bad year at work. An insult from someone unkind eats away at me and makes me second guess myself and my entire life. Applying for jobs and going on even one interview sets me over the edge, leaving me bawling my eyes out on the drive home, even if it went well. Its hard to explain, the amount of emotion that gets stirred up from just the simplest things. You can say something to me in the wrong tone and I immediately take it to heart and turn on the defense. Im a ball of emotion. I feel more than most people feel. I cry more than most cry. I get angry at the smallest of things. 
All of these traits stop me from doing things, stop me from experiencing life. I shield myself and my emotions, letting very little people in, doing very little activities. I'm afraid to get out of bed in the morning. Im afraid of love, because I know it would emotionally destroy me and possibly land me back in the hospital. Many people with mental illness go through a break up and snap, and have to be hospitalized. That unfortunately would be me. I want to experience all of these things, see all of these places, feel all of these feelings, but I feel as if I can't. Not without an overload. Not without a breakdown. Not without once again burdening my family with the many problems of me. I want to study so many things, but have a learning disability and can't keep up with the pace of school.I have to try extra hard at anything in order to barely make it by. I have to try extra hard at work to be acceptable to customers and barely have my boss say that I am moderately meeting standard. Nothing has ever come easy. I have always had to try 1000% in order to maybe reach only 95. I want to be all of these things. I want to do all of these things. But tell me, is it worth it?