Surrender

There are no limits as to what you can do with your life. Or at least I have been told. On the contrary others have told me to think realistically and be practical. To which do I listen? And for what reasoning? Every time I see someone succeed, I take a look at my life and the lack of what I am not doing with it, the things that I have not accomplished, and the direction that I feel that I am most definitely not going in. How can I not compare myself to others? How can I not feel bad about myself, when all I see is a life of hospital stays and an endless supply of pills. How do I feel good about that? Sure I've made it through some really tough shit, but a life that could have been so great in so many ways, has been suppressed and held back due to illness. How unfair I feel this to be. How frustrated I am that it has stopped me from being me. From doing the things that I used to think I was capable of doing. Illness has beaten me down, and I feel like I'm starting to surrender, something that I never wanted to do. 

Perspective

      The way I see things is of course, different from anyone else. Sometimes it scares me, sometimes I love it too much. There isn't much balance to the unending emotion and passion I experience. Sometimes its flatlined, without a feeling to be felt. The numbness overcomes me, keeping me slow and dull. On the contrary, others times I feel too much. I am overcome with great passion bursting from the seams. I can be so happy I cry, likewise when I'm perpetually down. If I am ever in the middle, I do not notice it, nor is it easy for me to identify. Since I was a very long girl, I can remember some of my first obsessions. I would love things so much, I had to express it to everyone. Lets take movies for example. I would love a movie so much I would want to live in the era. I wanted to live inside of the movie, and somehow I thought this was achievable. That I could somehow live like my favorite story characters. The stories would overtake my mind, flooding in like oil into the sea. It contaminated everything. I was always frustrated that I couldn't get enough of the non existent world in which I obsessed over. I never understood why I would love something so much more that the others around me. I thought that I was just extra passionate. Now I know that all of those obsessions, all of those strong overbearing emotions were my OCD. Its extremely frustrating at times. I will get obsessed with a TV show or movie, and then be told not to watch it anymore. Its like telling a child that they are not allowed to  play with their favorite toy. Its seems like a punishment. Its painful, when your mind wants so much of something, and you have to deny yourself of that very thing. Like an infant being denied comfort, I have to wait for the obsession to pass, not knowing if I will ever be able to introduce my interest back into my life. Being of the human race, we all go through phases in our lives. This is where its hard for me to tell if its just a phase, or  if I actually like something. To have others such as my family tell me its just a phase, angers me. Who's to know if it is or not. Unfortunately it usually is, even though at the time I am so consumed by this one thing. It feels real. Like you would swear someone in your life is a human being, and you would put money on it. You would put money on your belief that, the person in your life is indeed a living, breathing human being. And then all of the sudden they disappear. You could have sworn they were real. Its hard to know whats real in my mind. How much is too much, being the constant question. 
How far should I go? How far is safe enough? Do I have to live my life constantly question my interests? To see them as real or fake. I'm afraid that this is a burden that will never leave me. I will always have to steer clear of the things that I enjoy, and that seem to be consuming too much of my life. Weighing out whats worth it, and whats not. Staying in the the reality of the world is not something that people like to do, but for me it is one of the most important things to do. Stay grounded, and keep reality within reach.