Regrets

No Ragrets? Really? Not even one letter?

Ah yes. The nights where you ruminate over every single decision, every word, and everything you have ever done in the eternity of forever. 2:00am and you're wired awake by something you said to a very unimportant person 6 years ago. The time when the last thing you said to the first guy you ever dated was "live long and prosper", as you idiotically held up your Klingon hand and gave a Vulcan salute while walking away. Yeah, that wasn't horribly dorky or painfully embarrassing. "Thanks for the sex, don't get killed out in space!" I would like to say that I don't have any regrets. That I believe that everything happens for a reason. But sometimes, some things just happen and they fucking suck.  They didn't necessarily have anything to do with anything. As a wanna-be comedian, I try to hold onto these embarrassing moments, because at some point they are going to make a damn good joke. So I literally shit my pants one day after work in 2014. So I thought when Trump said he wanted to drain the swamps, I literally thought for a good amount of time that there were literally swamps surrounding the White House and he literally wanted to drain the water out of them. So I once believed that I couldn't lie about my weight at the DMV because they would see my real weight on my birth certificate. And yeah, that one time in band camp... See what I'm getting at? Some things are embarrassing, but seriously like WTF, you actually did that? There are those stories, the ones that can get the laughs, and then there are the stories that are much more private. The ones that you completely want to forget about and pretend like never even happened. The stories that not even a comedian will dare share. How much sanity do I want to keep? Do I even give this one credit and share with a close friend? Or do I keep it bottled up for fear that it will come back to haunt me and the shame will never go away? Now, most would say I am a very open person. Sometimes too open, whatever that means... I mean can you really be too open? Yeah, I suppose in some cases you can. I have yet to figure out what those cases are however.
The regrets that I truly have, and ruminate on, those are the ones that hit home. Those are the ones that I am truly ashamed of. The times where you finally go out on a limb, and get totally and utterly rejected. When you finally get the courage to ask that guy out, and the feelings are not even close to being mutual, and you say something stupid like, "just kidding! Don't worry, Im asexual. I don't actually have normal human emotion. Gotcha!"
My biggest regret? Reading into everything. Thinking that I know whats going on and that I can read minds. Thinking that I know how other people are feeling and are acting a certain way towards me for a reason. Like how in the hell are you supposed to tell if someone is into? I sure as hell don't have that one even slightly figured out. "Oh he agreed with me on something? I know we've only known each other for five minutes, but we're probably getting married."
IDIOT! You think you know these things. You think you read all of the signs right. You think that there were even "signs" to begin with. You thought he was into you, you acted on it, and none of what you thought even existed in the first place. Excuse my while I go crawl into a hole and die...
Usually at this point I would come up with some great realization or epiphany. I would tell you what all of this really means, and what things you should actually be focusing on, but I'm afraid that I cannot do that. I posses neither the knowledge nor the wisdom that it takes to understand these things. I can tell you numerous things about mental health. How to take care of yourself, and how to be an overall good human being. I can share some pretty great morals, and beliefs to abide by. I pretty much have that all figured out. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I can not even begin to tell you one single thing.
So while you lay awake at night, ruminating over a guy, a girl, or a guy/girl, and are wondering what those "signs" meant, don't ask me because I too have absolutely no fucking clue...
Now get out there, live long and prosper!