Where is the Love?

    This past week, I have gone up and down with the craving that I just can't seem to yet quench. The craving for love. I crave for someone to hold me tight, to have my back no matter what, and to think I'm beautiful even when I'm in my sweatpants. I want a pure love. As pure as love can be. However that goes... Who knows.. Sometimes I feel bad for wanting to be loved like this. I almost feel like, I shouldn't be feeling that way, because I have a "disability". But then as I go back and read that sentence, I get mad at myself all over again, and I can only think then how wrong I really am. I kid myself into thinking that no one will ever love me, just for me, and not let the underline details get in the way. I won't lie, I get scared that there is no such person out there. And then I think, all of the self work that I have done in finding myself might be enough if no one were to fall in love with me. But there I go again! My emotional mind brings me down to thinking that people with disabilities can't be loved. And oh how false that is! Why wouldn't I give myself the satisfaction of taking a chance on someone? Why would I go and think that someone won't ever love me because I have Bipolar Disorder, OCD, and Panic Disorder? There are people with no legs or arms that find love! There are so many types of people who do love, and that are loved in return. So why doubt myself so much? It has almost been a year since I started this intense road of self discovery and growth. The strides that I have taken are nothing short of amazing! If you saw my soul a year ago, and you looked at it now, you wouldn't recognize it! I have never known myself so well in my entire life. I have never been this clear in knowing what I want in life. And to personally look back and see the things that I went through, the things that I have striven through, makes me realize how worthy of love I really am. If I can live through a year like this past one, I can live through anything! And I truly believe that. Even if I do question myself from time to time. But hey, look at that! I question myself, on love, on life, and on so many others things. If that doesn't make me normal than I don't know what will. I am just like everyone else. And just like everyone else, I will find love. He is out there somewhere. Wherever that is, I have no flipping clue. But I guess that's the beauty of it. If I have enough patience, it will eventually happen, and when it does, it will have been worth the wait. I am worthy of life. I am worthy of love. And in my eyes, I am nothing short of a miracle. I have a different ability, not a disability. And who I am as a human being, is one million times more than any disability in the world. Let that be a lesson to all of you girls out there with some sort of insecurity. You are worthy of love. You just wait and see. Love is coming for you. And I suppose that in the meantime, lets not worry. Lets date ourselves. Lets find out who we truly are. Lets get to know us and what we as women are truly capable of. One day we will catch the eye of someone, and we will be better for knowing ourselves when it does happen. To know your worth, solely for the benefit of you is the most beauty that I can think of. Knowing yourself. Now that is true love. 

Throwing Away the Negative's.

  Sometimes I wonder if I am putting too much importance on telling people my story. My theory is that, the more people I tell, the more people will know and not turn their cheek to truth of mental illness. Throughout this journey I have been told how important it is to share your story. Some days this may be true, and some people in particular need to be made more aware than others. It truly is up to the "ill" to educate the "normal". I put quotes around these words because I do not believe them. Not even for a second. I do not believe that I am mentally ill. I am just mentally different. You put illness in the title, and there's no way you're ever going to feel good about yourself. And that brings me to my main point. Have I put too much importance on the label? Well, haven't we all? You hear "bipolar", and the stigma flows in. You have automatic thoughts of what that word even means. You put it in a category. And there it stays. Now, I will say this. What happens when the person with the "mental illness" starts to own that title? They don't think, "my name is so and so and I like this and that". Instead you introduce yourself as, "my name is blank, and I have Bipolar Disorder". Why is this fair? I'm not going to lie, I have had much struggle with this, and still do. A lot of times, my first thought isn't, my name is Laney. Sometimes its "I am Bipolar". Like that's how I need to identify myself to the world. To identify myself to myself. To identify myself as my "flaws". Flaws being another word I do not believe in. My Bipolar Disorder is not a flaw. It is not an illness, it is not a disease. I don't want all of these words in my vocabulary. They put negative connotation on my every day activities. It puts a negative connotation every time I take my pills, and when I go to therapy, when I go to my psychiatrist appointments. And all of these things are not negative or flawed. They are me taking charge of my life. They are me not letting this "disease" consume me. And that's where most of the stigma is. "Oh you take pills? Oh you go to therapy? I'm sorry." You have no idea how many times I have heard, "I'm sorry". Really? You're sorry? Because I'm not. Yes it can suck. There are days I want it to go away forever. There are still days I don't want to be alive. There are days I look at someone else and see how easy they really have it. But that doesn't mean I'm sorry to have what I have. To be in this body and in this mind. My next endeavors are to take all of these negative words out of my thought process, and out of my life. Because to me, the words "illness", "disease", "flaw", are truly flawed themselves. That is the only context I believe the word flaw is needed. When I tell people, I don't want to hear, "I'm sorry", "that sucks", "poor thing". I want to hear, "then you must be really creative", "you must be really kind and sensitive to others". Because most people don't know, these are traits of having bipolar disorder. Yeah that's right! Positive traits to Bipolar disorder. Hard to believe? Well its about time we all see these illnesses in these sort of ways, rather than the "flaws". Its time we see schizophrenia as being insanely intelligent. Bipolar as being super creative and having a heightened ability to see the things around them. No one ever thought to look at the positives. Most don't even know that there are positives. And most don't even care to know. Its time we learn the facts. Its time for a revolution. Its time we walk, just like every other revolution in history. Time we walk for the positive, and burn the negatives, without a trace of them to be found.      

I will never be silenced.

  The further along with my recovery I come, the more confident I become. Some may say its selfishness. Some may say I'm conceited to display my accomplishments, to post pictures of myself. But let me tell you something, when you have known the greatest pain of all, as soon as you begin to escape its clutches, what else do you have than to be overly proud of yourself? Look at what I just accomplished! I made it through the school of life. I will not be delicate about that. I will flaunt it. I will yell it from the roof tops! When I'm happy, I will take pictures, because I do not take any ounce of that happiness for granted. Because I remember what its like to be in the depths of the deepest darkness. Happiness is an emotion denied to many, and I will never forget the seriousness of that fact. I find that sometimes when I tell people of my diagnosis, and the things that I have had to go through, they don't know what to say. They get uncomfortable. Some even say that I should not be so open with them. Why? This is me! I am not hiding me. I refuse to live a lie. I refuse to put on a face just for the benefit and comfort of others. I refuse to hide my struggles, because my suffering is what makes the beautiful parts of me. The person who has known the greatest suffering, knows of the greatest joy. I may feel more deeply than others. I may be more sensitive than others. I may take longer to recover. I may take things more personally. I may do many things that you don't like. That are unorthodox, or out of the balance of society. But look how much I love, look how much I create, how much I give, how much I appreciate. I am a rare breed, and the world needs me, I need me, my family needs me, one day the love of my life will need me, and my future children will need me. You can not have flowers without the rain first. And the flower must first push through the dirt in order to reach the sun. With each passing day, I am reaching the sun more and more. No stigma, no amount of judgement or ridicule will ever silence me. I am here. This is me. Take me as I am, for all that I am, and leave nothing behind. 

 

Just wait

   Wait until you know who you are. Wait until you know what you want. Wait until you heal just a little bit more. Wait, Wait wait wait... You have no idea how many times I have heard this from so many people. Some of the times, I was seeking the advice, but most of the time, I was not. It was just said to me. Someone see's me going down a "wrong path", and they give their two cents. Sometimes more than two. All of these opinions, comments, judgments, or what have you, sometimes confuse me so much, I forget who I am. And then everything that I thought I knew about myself goes right out the window. I let all of these words from other people flood into my head, and control my every thought and move. But somewhere in there, I take a hold of myself and ask a question in the back of my mind. "What do I want?" What about what I think? What about where I think I am? Right and wrong. Wait until this. Wait until that. What is that? Was does that even mean? What is the "right" way? How long do we wait? What if we wait too long and miss out on an amazing opportunity. What if we jump in too quickly? How are we to know the difference? 
   As hard as it is for me to say, I feel that you are the best person to know what is best for you. You know when the time is right, even if it doesn't feel that way. You know more than you think. You however, do not give yourself enough credit, and forget to listen to your own voice of reason once all of the other voices come flooding in. If I keep waiting for things to be right, I will miss out on what could have been so right. 

No Excuses : Make The Time

  Despite talking the talk, saying you will "keep in touch", and making plans, there are still those people who let life get in the way. It saddens me. When I really want to have these relationships with these people, and more than half of them do not reciprocate, its everything that's disappointing. We must learn, that despite our "busy" lives, there are so many things that can wait. Cancel what you were going to do today, and spend quality time with quality people. That is what this life is all about. Sharing laughter, smiles, ideas. Humans were put on this earth with other humans to be amongst each other. I love the saying "If they want to be in your life, they will make it happen". Sometimes they do, but most of the time they don't. I can not tell you the countless amount of times I have listened to a friend or acquaintance say how bummed out they were because they didn't get to see that certain person again. But then they do nothing about it, because they are "embarrassed", or they think this person is going to take it the wrong way. You never know what another person is thinking unless they tell you. So don't go mind reading. Almost all of the time you are wrong. If you want someone in your life, tell them. Don't wait for them to come to you. Go for it. This life is too short to wait around for others to make the first move. This could be for anyone. An old family member, an old friend, a new friend, a love interest, anyone! You never know what could happen. Please, choose to reunite. Be with the ones you want. Whats stopping you?

The School of Life

   Since the beginning of my time, I have always known that I was meant to help people. Through the years I thought of different ways to do this. Coast Guard rescue swimmer, nurse, midwife, peace corps, Cultural Anthropology, and a numerous amount more. None of these did I follow through with. I always looked at is as failure. Like I couldn't finish something, which was true. I couldn't. My education level goes all the way up to a very small amount of community college. Part of this was because of my disability. But now I am seeing it in a whole new light. I was just recently tested by life at a very young age. And the test was nothing even close to small or easy. I was tested with mental illness obviously, as many of you know who have read my previous posts. Coming out of all of this and seeing the light, has also made me see my purpose. Never did I know how I was supposed to help people. But now I see. Life tested me to put me where I am now. It put right where I am going to be when I help people. To share my story, to educate others about mental illness, to maybe even one day become a psych nurse or a therapist, who knows. But life in a very weird way figured it out for me. And despite the pain these past 6 months that I have had to endure, I would not take one single day back. Not for anything and not for anyone. Because who I am now, is better than who I was prior, and now my true meaning in life is slowly showing me its light. Simply by teaching what I have lived, will be the "help" that so many need, and the help that I have been forever looking to give to others. My Disorder is a blessing. And that statement I say with true confidence and truth. Thank you life, for throwing me this test. I am forever grateful, and feel like the most blessed girl in the world. I got an A in the school of life. 

"Coming out"

   I feel a Mental health revolution coming on. This is the era of our "coming out". I have no fear saying that I have more than one mental disorder. There is no shame behind that and should not be for anyone. Its odd how as a society we have health "fads". Don't get me wrong, its great how we have raised money for so many things. The huge breast cancer movement. Children's cancer. Diabetes. The AIDS movement. I am not discounting any of these. The only problem is, I fear for the mental health movement. It is one that will always carry a stigma. When you're talking about the mind, someone is bound to blame negative action solely on the person of that action. You wouldn't see that with cancer, or diabetes. Any symptom of those diseases are not frowned upon. But mental health, that is a touchy subject. My mind is taken to numerous school shootings, a lot of them being from people diagnosed with schizophrenia who were not given the help that they so gravely needed in time. That does not make it okay, but there was much reason in their own heads. In other words they were not in their right mind. That's where I worry. When someone is looked down upon and completely blamed when they have a mood swing and punch a hole through the wall. I understand. Those are actions that in our society are unacceptable. But I also understand that mental illness is not even fully understood by the ones who have them. Take the movie Silver Linings Playbook. I hear all of the time how that movie just hit the nail on the head. I beg to differ. They showed Bradley cooper as only getting angry with his mood swings. Same with Jennifer Lawrence. Bipolar Disorder is SO much more. Don't get me wrong, it was a good movie, and a lot of the things you saw were truth. But we can't count on just a movie to learn about these illnesses. There is only a 2 hour window for one. Two, its not there to educate you. It's there to entertain you. So I guess what I am trying to say is, don't expect to get a good picture of what its like to have a mental illness through a film that is solely for the purpose of money. If you really want to learn about these diseases, get real. Find a proper outlet. Especially if you have a friend or loved one with an illness. Despite kind of bashing on the movie, I do love this quote by Jennifer Lawrence, but its also sad that we need celebrities to get something truly into our heads.