Oh Love...

I almost don't want it to happen. Its too painful, every single time. I want to protect myself as much as I possibly can. To allow someone to love you is a very scary and brave thing. You spend so much time looking for it, and never finding it. Then when you are not seeking it and let it be, maybe someone does come along. Still you can't tell their intentions. And thats frightening. You don't want to jump to conclusions. You don't want to fantasize in your head, but while you're driving down a long stretch of road, before you know it you've gone 10 miles and don't remember a single one of them, all because "he" has been on your mind He has worked his way into your subconscious. You literally shake it off starting with your head and traveling down to your body, then say to yourself, "let it go! Knock it off! This is going to do you no good." In the past I have been too hopeful. Too optimistic I suppose. I was given signs from men, only to find that those signs meant nothing and they were only just messing with my head in order to make them feel better about themselves. You had fallen into the trap many times. And who could blame you? He shamelessly flirted with you, called you by a cute nickname, invited you over to his house, then when you finally made a move he told you he "just wanted to be left alone". You think that you will never make this mistake again, but the manipulation coming from this person continues. You begin to second guess yourself. You feel that maybe you are not good enough to be given a real chance. Somewhere deep down you know this is not true, but the trials you have gone through test your thinking and mess with your thought process. I know that love and lust is not supposed to be easy. Its one of the most difficult things people go through. Somehow throughout the years, you have settled for less than perfect. You have been disappointed enough to give up and gladly accept that its just not in the cards. Some people will find love, but not you. Maybe its the way the stars are aligned. But maybe its just something as  simple as the nature of your being. I hate to doubt myself so much. I don't mean it to find people to pity me. I want no pity. I am a multiply talented and caring woman. I don't believe that I have it all, but I do believe that I have some good qualities. I suppose love however, is not something that I can see myself finding. I don't know whether that is from past experience, or if thats just my gut instinct, which is unfortunate because my gut is usually always right. People talk of natural sympathies. I feel that I have run into this in some form or another. But is it enough? People also talk about how one day you will meet someone who finds you to be more than enough. Maybe I don't feel love is in the cards for me simply because I have not found it yet. That has yet to be decided. Until then, if it actually exists for me, I will go about my life, be the best person I can be, be kind towards others in need, believe in the qualities that I do have, and hope in the meantime that he is smitten enough to try for my affection. If not, I will stick with friendship. Sometimes friendship is more important than romantic relationships. Being okay with being single will be an awfully big adventure, but I believe that I am finally getting there. I am getting closer with each day to being okay with "flying solo". Have adventures with yourself, then the rest will follow. He will come along, but in the meantime just focus on continuing to become the best person you can possibly be. Have enough respect to adore yourself. The rest is in the hands of my higher power, whomever that may be.